Is It Enough?
by JadeHeart
Summary: Questioning the reasons that hold Shuichi and Yuki together.
1. Is It Enough to Love?

**Title: Is It Enough?**

**Author:** JadeHeart Gravitation   
**Warnings:** angst  
**Author's Notes:** Another little thought I had.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'.

Chapter 1: Is It Enough To Love?

Shuichi watched the rain drops slide down the window of the bus, the lights outside sending streaks of brightness to cut through the night as they passed by.

He was tired. This was the last leg of a three month tour, one of the longest they had done. He glanced around at the other occupants in the silent vehicle. Hiro was sprawled across two seats, long legs hanging over the arm into the aisle, seats leant back to give him more room to relax. His long red hair was a tangled mass around his head, forming a devilish-looking halo in the muted lighting, and highlighting the finely chiseled features.

A little behind, Suguru also slept, curled up tight against the window, using the side of the bus as support. His seat also reclined back and he had purloined a number of cushions and wedged them against the vehicle, both to provide comfort and keep the chill of the metal at a distance. His short hair curled around his sleeping features.

Where Hiro looked like a slumbering devil, Suguru was a sleeping cherub in comparison, his angelic innocence alluring. Perhaps that could be used on stage, Shuichi mused, watching his sleeping band-mates. Could they work a costume theme here in line with one of their new songs? He could just imagine how wild their fans would be to see Hiro and Suguru cos-playing those roles!

Further to the front, he could see Sakano's head nodding in time with the motion of the bus. He had remained sitting upright to sleep, refusing to lose his decorum by sprawling across the seats as the others had done. He would rather be uncomfortable than lose his dignity! How the man managed to get any sleep in that position quite simply amazed Shuichi.

Turning his head further Shuichi could see, right towards the back of the vehicle, two long legs on the floor. K had thrown his dignity, decorum and pride completely away and lay sleeping in the aisle. Due to his taller stature he had found the prospect of sleeping in the seats an impossible task and had informed them that he intended to at least be as comfortable as possible if he was going to get any rest at all. A blanket was draped over his legs and a cushion supported his head, his long blond hair flowing freely over the pillow, finally released from its usual ponytail. Even his blond Caucasian looks couldn't make you mistake him for an angel – not when one hand clasped his trusty .44 Magnum across his chest like a child would clutch a teddy bear.

Shuichi sighed. The downside to K's position was that it posed more than an obstacle to anyone seeking the bathroom positioned at the far back of the bus. You did not want to wake K up suddenly. It generally resulted in mayhem and chaos all round!

He turned back to his window, shifting in his seat to get a little more comfortable. He was tired, very tired – but he couldn't sleep. He propped his chin on his hand, nose almost touching the chill glass.

He was nearly home. Home, he thought. Was it really home for him? Could he really call it that? It was, in truth, Yuki's home. Shuichi paid no rent, no part of the bills. Yuki had made it quite clear at the start that it was his place and he would be the only one responsible for it. That was typical Yuki.

However, Shuichi and Bad Luck had rocketed to stardom, and that light wasn't fading any time soon judging by the continuing sales and demand for their presence. Shuichi and the others were quite well off now, you could almost say, wealthy. The amount of money they were earning could easily go to their heads. The number of zeros attached to their pay cheques were more than most people would see in a life time.

It had actually been Yuki's steadying presence that had kept him grounded when the money had begun to roll in. It was the older man's careful perspective that made him realize that he had to make his money work for him, and learn to manage it well. Yes, it was lovely to have. It was certainly a novelty for them when they had first begun. From being poor students, working part-time jobs to try and save towards the next luxury they wanted, to mega-stars with enough money to no longer even have to think of asking if they could afford that wanted item. It was a heady experience.

However, in this industry you could be on top one day, and scraping the bottom of the barrel the next. The public was a fickle mistress and could walk away any time she chose to do so, leaving you with nothing. Just because he had money now, didn't mean that would always be the case. So, yes, it was great to have now – but he had to make plans to ensure that he would still have a future as well, no matter what happened.

He hadn't come to this decision immediately. He had gone through the phase of being delighted with the cash flow they were generating. He had gone out and splurged, showered his family with gifts, lived it up, indulged in buying the most expensive watch he could find that would suit Yuki's taste for his birthday, and then an expensive set of sapphire-set cuff-links for Xmas. So, yes, he had lived it up for a time, but then he realized that he really didn't need much else.

It had been a sudden realization that had pulled him up short and he had had to sit and think seriously about it for a few days for the full import of it to really sink in. He was happy where he was living with Yuki, who hadn't given any indication that he intended moving, or trying to 'up-market' their accommodation. They didn't live in the most exclusive area, but it also wasn't the slums. He liked where they lived.

Food wasn't any particular expense for them either. Yuki cooked for them most times, Shuichi's efforts still being quite a disaster despite his sporadic attempts which usually resulted in them being forced to order take-away. Every so often they would indulge in an expensive luxury like fatty tuna, or go to a fancy restaurant, but most of the time their food was the same as any other average citizen.

Shuichi didn't drive so he didn't have the expense of a car. Learning to drive was just something that he hadn't bothered getting around to yet, and now he found that he was driven most places by other people there wasn't any pressing need for him to get his license. He probably would one day he supposed, but it was far down on the list of priorities at this point. Eiri was quite happy with his own vehicle, and was more than able to afford to replace his own.

Yuki's apartment may have looked spartan, but it stocked everything that could be needed. The coffee machine was the top of the line which was Yuki's main indulgence, and Shuichi's big addition to the premises had been the most up-to-date video game machines which he had even managed to cajole Yuki into playing with him on more than one occasion. Everything that either of them could want in the way of fixtures and fittings was present – and, Shuichi finally realized, once you have it, you don't need anything else.

So apart from the odd item here and there that he might want to upgrade or purchase new, he didn't really have anything to spend his amassing fortune. He liked to know that he could use the money to go on holidays, but generally his schedule was so busy with the band that it was rare for him to have any long length of time free to be able to enjoy the luxury of going away somewhere nice and extravagant. He had sent his family away on a couple of trips but he had been unable to accompany them, and Yuki's schedule was nearly as bad as his. So, it wasn't like he could waste his money on travel either.

So after a couple of days of pondering this, he came to the realization that all that was happening was that his money was just sitting there doing nothing. Not being used, but not being very effective either. That was when he decided to take note of what people with money actually did with it.

He had quizzed Eiri on how he managed his money as he had been earning substantial sums for more years than Shuichi had. Yuki had seemed happy enough, though happy probably wasn't the right word, more like indifferent to why Shuichi was asking in the first place, to explain to him the different ways money could be invested, what was considered good or bad at the moment, what were long and short term options and returns. Shuichi learnt that Yuki managed most of his money himself, keeping a close eye on things, but also employed a financial manager to handle the largest portion.

Shuichi listened closely to Yuki speak of how to invest so the money provided a steady income over time that he could access on a regular basis if need be. His greatest nightmare was that one day he would lose his voice. It was his livelihood - without it, he was nothing. He wanted to know, to have that reassurance, that he could still live comfortably, not being a burden to anyone, if such a horrific thing should ever happen. That gave him some peace of mind.

He had paid close attention to everything Yuki told him, as well as seeking other advice from those that knew. Armed with that knowledge, he had now set himself up wisely for the future and any eventualities that may occur. He knew both Hiro and Suguru had done the same. They may all be young – but they weren't completely stupid.

The rain continued to fall outside. He could hear the swishing sound as the tires ran through the water pooling on the road.

However, despite him well and truly being able to support himself, Eiri still refused to allow him to put anything towards their home. Shuichi still couldn't help feeling that since he wasn't contributing anything then it wasn't really his home as well. It still felt at times as though he were just a guest, there at Yuki's sufferance only.

He sighed softly. He wondered what his reception would be when he got back. He cringed at the memory. He and Yuki had had a huge fight just as he was leaving on this trip. He couldn't even remember what it had been about now. At the time it had been really important, or so he had thought. Now, after three months, he could barely recall the reason for the argument, but could clearly remember the hateful words they had spat at each other before he stormed out the door in tears and had heard the door slam violently behind him with some help, probably, from a kick by Yuki.

He chewed his lip absently, staring into the darkness. Sometimes he wondered why he still stayed with Yuki. It's not like they had ever had a 'normal' relationship. It's not like it had started off blissfully and gone sour later. It had always been this way, right from the beginning. Harsh words, fights, arguments that seemed to be over everything, and nothing. That was how it had always been. There were few soft moments, the loving moments that should be between partners. He would probably be able to count the number of times that had occurred on two hands and still have fingers to spare. That sort of thing just wasn't part of their relationship. It's not that those moments weren't there. It was just that they were very, very rare.

He sighed softly, feeling tears prick his eyes. He so wanted things to be right with Yuki. He hated fighting with him; he hated feeling like a pendulum, swinging from the giddy heights of exaltation, to the deep depths of depression. What he wouldn't give to know that he could always wake up to Yuki's face and know he would receive of warm smile of greeting. Generally though he would get a pillow whapped over his face if he was too noisy – that is if he hadn't been kicked out of the bed again!

Another sigh. He knew he loved Yuki, that hadn't changed. But was it enough?

From that first time he had seen Yuki he had felt… something. He didn't think it had been love. In fact, now looking back, he was sure it wasn't. The feelings had been more surprise; shock this stranger was reading his lyrics, a breathtaking moment when he had stepped into the light and Shuichi had seen how beautiful the man was. Then the crushing heartbreak at those cold, cutting words of disparagement for his work echoed in his ears.

So, no, it wasn't love at that time. It was the anger, the feeling of self-righteousness, the need to receive justification from that person that had kept Yuki's presence on his mind. Back then he had wondered if he had dreamed up the whole thing. It had all been so surreal – a beautiful stranger met by chance in the park, in the dark of night. It was so clichéd it was laughable. But it hadn't been a dream - it had all been real.

It was whilst he found himself asking Yuki to come to the concert that he began to have an inkling of his feelings, but it wasn't until Yuki had stood there, watching him, the crowd disappearing into nothingness so it seemed it was just the two of them, that it had begun to crystallize.

Then the moment when he had truly realized he was falling in love with Yuki was with that first kiss. It had been electrifying, touching every nerve in his body, making him tremble and cling to the man pressed against him. His heart had been pounding so hard he had thought it would burst from his chest, spraying blood spectacularly across the two of them. That completely gross image had been enough to bring his racing mind back to earth. That and the way Yuki had then brushed the incident and himself aside.

Even though Yuki had still expressed no desire to be with him, Shuichi knew then that he loved him. That feeling simply kept growing stronger and stronger as he realized he wanted Yuki to be happy. More than anything he wanted to help him, be there for him, his own happiness and wants just weren't important anymore. Even his love for his music and the future of Bad Luck took a backseat to his concern for Yuki's well-being. That was when he knew he really and truly did love him.

When Yuki had left him - and how many times had that occurred? - he had been devastated. He had thought he would break each time. It always felt like his heart had been ripped out, that he couldn't breathe. It was as though all the oxygen had been stolen from the air around him, starving him, suffocating him. The pain had been so extreme, so intense and was something he had never, ever felt before. He had tried to be strong at those times; for himself, for others, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't help but crumble under the onslaught of his own emotions. That was also when he realized just how much he loved Yuki. He had been completely and utterly lost from the very start.

Yes, he loved Yuki, loved him still from the bottom of his heart and soul. But was it enough?


	2. Is It Enough to Breathe?

**Title: Is It Enough?**

**Author:** JadeHeart Gravitation   
**Warnings:** angst  
**Author's Notes:** These little thoughts are being triggered by Avril Lavigne's song, 'Anything But Ordinary'. The CD is playing in my car at the moment and I've been on the road a lot and I'm one of these people who really can't be bothered changing CDs very often! So every time this song comes on, for some reason I immediately think of Shuichi and Yuki. Thank you for the review Vipergirl and I hope you continue to enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'.

Chapter 2: Is It Enough To Breathe?

Yuki grimaced as he stretched his long legs. He hated flying. Not because he was afraid or any such nonsense as that, but simply because he found it a drag. The only thing in its favour was that he could afford to fly first class. If he couldn't – well, there was no way you would find him cramming himself into the 'cattle class'!

He shifted to ease his back, propping his chin on his hand, staring out the window. Not that he could see anything. It was dark for one, and at 30,000 feet there wasn't exactly anything worth looking at either. Viewing the scenery was not really an option when flying.

He would be home soon, thank goodness. He had been contacted by his editor to go on a quick book tour for two weeks and he had accepted grudgingly. He wasn't particularly fond of touring. He hated the constant moving, the packing and unpacking in different hotels nearly every night. He got tired of the continuous stream of people pressing in around him, the screeching demands, the pleas, the swooning looks. It all meant nothing to him, and by the end of the time, he would begin to feel that his face would crack if he had to plaster on the fake smile once more.

However he was also fully aware that it was through these tours that his popularity continued to be at an all-time high. The direct contact with his adoring public kept his name and face constantly in mind, and made him seem far more real than many other authors. From that, his readers couldn't help but link his golden good-looks to the romance of his novels and develop their own unique blend of fantasy. As a marketing tool, he had to admit that it did work. From a personal perspective – he despised it.

He reached for his drink and took a sip, feeling the alcohol burn down the back of his throat. Ah, that felt good! He took another sip then glanced at his watch. They would be landing in about half an hour. It would be so good to get off this flying metal can and put his feet back on terra firma. It would be even better once he could walk in the front door of his own apartment, and not another hotel. To finally be able to sleep in his own bed again. What bliss!

He ran a hand through his tangled blond hair. The brat should be coming home today as well. He hadn't told Shuichi that he was going on this book tour, he hadn't seen any point in doing so really. The youth was off on tour with Bad Luck so it's not like he was going to come home early to find an empty house. Yuki felt the hard lump in his jacket pocket that was his mobile phone. It was full of messages from Shuichi, at least one sent every day he had been away. Yuki rarely bothered replying to them, it was just Shuichi telling him what he was doing each day. It was almost as though the brat was talking to him in person, except he didn't have to actually hear the whining voice. There were advantages to this modern technology.

His hand dropped to caress the outline of the phone, fingers closing around the protuberance. He had the urge to pull the phone out and read the messages stored there, something which he did most nights as he lay alone on the bed in the numerous hotel rooms he had been in.

He resolutely dragged his hand away from temptation. He didn't think he could get away with doing it discreetly, and knowing his luck it would cause the plane to crash and then Shuichi would be suitably aggravated with him for dieing.

He smirked a little at the thought. He could just imagine the brat following him to what ever Hell was waiting for him, complaining loudly all the way that it was all Yuki's fault, and it was too hot, the blood would stain the clothes and be hard to launder out, and why couldn't he ever do anything he was told. A morbid chuckle escaped him. Oh, yes, he could imagine the moron doing exactly that!

It was sometimes quite scary just how much Shuichi loved him. He had other people who loved him; Tatsuha, Mika; he grimaced, Tohma. Those people loved him and cared for him – he knew that and accepted it. Probably took it completely for granted as well and wasn't grateful enough for their constant affection over all these years and through everything that happened.

He shifted in his seat, squirming a little at these uncomfortable thoughts. So he knew what it was like to be loved unconditionally, but he had never experience the kind of love that Shuichi showered on him.

He still couldn't believe sometimes that the brat was still with him. He remembered what it had been like at the start. He hadn't understood how or why Shuichi just suddenly seemed to appear in his life. It was completely bizarre. A chance meeting in the park, a comment made, that was it. That was the start of it all. What would have happened, he wondered, picking up his drink again, if he hadn't said anything about those lyrics? If he hadn't picked up that piece of paper? What would his life have been like if he had just walked right by it, right by him?

He stared out at the blackness again, seeing his reflection looking back at him steadily. If he hadn't said anything, then his life would have continued in exactly the same way it had been up till then. Working, playing, nothing would have changed.

But that's not what happened. He did pick up that paper, he did read those words, he did speak to that boy standing before him. And suddenly his life just wasn't the same anymore.

He let out a frustrated sigh. He wanted to get home! He wondered if Shuichi would be there before him or not. All he remembered was that this was the date they would be getting back from the tour. Judging from past experiences, they usually didn't roll in till late so he wasn't expecting Shuichi to be there yet. Then again, the unusual just might happen. It usually did when connected to Shuichi!

He snorted at that thought. Unusual was far too tame a word to be linked with that idiot! How could someone like him end up in his life? It was completely mind-boggling. They came from completely different worlds, from start to finish. He hadn't exactly had a 'happy' childhood and his family could be called dysfunctional at the best of times. Shuichi had come from a normal, although somewhat loud, family, completely middle-class and average. No comparisons there.

He had already established himself as a popular author at the time of their meeting, Shuichi was still a high-school brat with big dreams of being a pop star. They hadn't even been signed up by NG at that point. They were nothing. Yet…..

On that one fateful night their two different worlds collided violently, and just continued to spiral out of control from that point on.

He remembered how dumbfounded he was at Shuichi's insistent presence in his life. Every time he turned around, the kid seemed to be there – all the time. It was chance meetings in the rain, requests to see concerts, being drawn in by the machinations of his family and friends. Hmm, he thought picking up his drink again, feeling the ice cubes clink against his teeth. Perhaps he should blame Mika for it all, and, of course, Tohma. Those two did make a good pair; they were so much alike, always interfering. Perhaps if Mika hadn't got so uptight about him avoiding her requests to return home she wouldn't have engineered that little bit of blackmail with Shuichi to get his demo tape heard by Tohma. That seemed to be the real trigger for everything that happened afterwards. That was when he realized that Shuichi would do things for him, at the expense of himself.

That had been a novelty for Yuki. He had been so used to meeting people who only ever wanted something from him. He viewed every person in that light from the moment he met them. And they never disappointed him. Except…

Except for Shuichi. He didn't want anything from Yuki, never had. He just wanted to be near to him. It was such a strange thing to see and experience. No matter how harsh he was, Shuichi still stayed.

Yuki rubbed his chin absently and pressed the attendant call button. His life had been so organized before. He knew exactly who and what he was, and his place in the world. He knew what people were like, what they wanted, what they expected, what they were after. He could go through life easily armed with that knowledge. He had enough money to live comfortably, he had no great desires or needs. He had no need for witty conversation, he found most people very dull. If he needed anything he could ask his brother or sister, or Tohma. Between the three of them, that covered pretty much all bases, from drinking partners to housecleaner, although Mika would be furious to know that Yuki put her in that bracket. Admittedly though, it was generally Tohma who did a fair bit of that, along with the cooking. He had never told Shuichi that he had learnt how to cook as well as he did from Tohma.

As for bed partners, well, that was never an issue. His unusual looks were enough to usually get them in the beginning, simply for the curiousity of wanting to know if he was a natural blond. He snorted in disgust. People really are so pathetically easy to read. Other than curiousity, he had his pick of who, or what, he wanted to bed due to his fame and fortune. He saw someone he liked, slept with them, and walked away. He made a point of never actually sleeping over, or letting them do so. Immediately after the act, he would excuse himself and leave, or insist they did. They didn't always go quietly, there were quite often tears and pleas but he could ignore those. They never made any great impression on him. There had been a few times when the dalliances ran for longer, a few weeks off and on, but never anything more meaningful. Even those were more for experimentation than really wanting to be with that person long term. He had been content to let his life continue in this way. He didn't have to remember names or faces. He could gain his gratification without those issues muddling things.

He didn't look up when the attendant arrived and silently whisked his empty glass away and replaced it with a full one. Oh, yes, flying first class did have its advantages.

So his life had been comfortably settled at that time. He knew exactly what he was doing in it - there were no surprises. He had made up his mind many, many years ago to never 'need' anyone. He would manage on his own, in his own way. He would live his life exactly the way he wanted to, and to hell with what society or anyone else thought, and that was the way it had been. Until….

Until Shuichi turned up. This idiotic, moronic, loud, noisy brat. Yuki had never had the misfortune of meeting anyone else like this before in his life. If he had, he would have made a point of making certain to not have anything to do with them! So why was it that Shuichi managed to squirm his way into his life, against all his wishes? What was it about that kid that made him want to be with Yuki, and continue to be with him? At first he thought the kid was just plain stupid to put up with all the crap he heaped upon him, but surely no-one was that much of a masochist!

He took another sip, feeling the pressure in the cabin change subtly as they began their descent.

Now, well, it seemed that he couldn't remember a single day that had gone by that he didn't think of that stupid idiot at least once. If it wasn't his music on the radio everywhere he went, it was a phone message, or just something he would see that would remind him of his youthful partner. In fact, nearly everything seemed to remind him of Shuichi!

His fingers twitched around his glass. He was dying for a cigarette! Come on, come on, land, for fuck's sake! He just wanted to get home, have a drink, a smoke and wrap his arms around a lithe body and suck up that warmth for a while. It had been three months and his body was demanding some release!

That one night in the park back then had changed everything for him. It had changed his life completely. Did he want his life back the way that it was? Did he want to go back to that?

He heard the chime and announcement to fasten seatbelts as they would be landing shortly.

He could go back to that life again. It was organized, calm, and he was completely and utterly in control of every portion of it. No-one, and he meant no-one, could control him. That was his life. He wouldn't have to deal with this chaotic, insane, roller-coaster of emotions all the time. He could have his life back to how it had been. He had been living it comfortably; eating, sleeping, breathing. That was his life. He had still been living – hadn't he?

Is it enough to just…..breathe?


	3. Somebody Rip My Heart Out

**Title: Is It Enough?**

**Author:** JadeHeart Gravitation   
**Warnings:** angst  
**Author's Notes:** Thanks for the review, ren'ai-iki – glad you are enjoying it! The timeline is possibly very close to the end of the manga, or just after where things are still a little shaky between them as old wounds are trying to heal and they are trying to find a place for themselves as a couple so the doubts are still there.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'. Chapter title still from the Avil Lavigne song, 'Anything But Ordinary'

Chapter 3: Somebody Rip My Heart Out

Shuichi struggled back towards his seat. He had had no choice but to visit the bathroom he just couldn't hold out any longer! So taking his life in his hands, he gingerly crept around and over the slumbering K and breathed a silent sigh of relief when his hand rested on the handle of his destination. After relieving himself he was then faced with the dangerous task of navigating that open minefield marked 'K' to return to his seat.

He had gazed across what seemed to be an insurmountable gulf between himself and his target, eyes looking longingly at that safe haven. He had to get there – and in one piece. K had shifted whilst he had been preoccupied, sprawling even further across the floor, long limbs seeming to take up all the free space available. Shuichi gritted his teeth. He could do this! He had to do this!

Looking carefully all around him, his mind began to tick off the various options available to him. The floor was pretty much a no-go area now, apart from a few small patches where no portion of K occupied. Okay, that meant that he could put his feet down at some point, but he had to be able to get to those areas. He eyed the metal luggage racks above him. Yep, that's the best possibility by the looks of things.

Clambering onto a seat nearby, he reached out and grabbed the railing with both hands and began to shinny across quickly. He was small and fit so it wasn't much of a hardship, except the metal was a little slick under his damp hands after being to the bathroom. He closed his eyes as one hand began to slide. Now he knew why his mother always told him to dry his hands thoroughly after being to the bathroom! Although he was sure she hadn't exactly had this image in mind when she had said it!

The hand completely slipped away and Shuichi felt his body drop, feet heading for the floor. Glancing down he struggled to control the momentum and his right foot touched the floor just with his outstretched toe, directly in one of the free spaces. Shuichi's breath came out in a soft whoosh. A quick glance showed K still sleeping. He wobbled dangerously in this stance, unable to really have any balance as every sway of the moving vehicle threatened to knock him from his precarious perch. His other hand still gripped the railing above and the strain was pulling painfully on his shoulder socket. Carefully he ran his damp hand down his shirt, wiping the moisture away and drying it more thoroughly. Right, let's try again.

Frowning in concentration, he threw his loose hand upwards to re-grasp the railing. He tightened his grip, lifting his body upwards once more so his toe left the floor below, and continued on his way. His legs swayed back and forth over the aisle, waving above the sleeping man on the floor. Shuichi could feel his arms beginning to ache. Why was K so tall! It was taking forever to pass his long length!

He didn't look down again and so didn't see K's eyes crack open and a smirk twitch his full lips, before they closed once more to try and return to sleep. Really, Shuichi should know better! As if he wouldn't have realized what was going on! His senses were finally honed to be aware of anything that was happening around him. Having a small, lanky kid doing a monkey impersonation above him was definitely enough to bring him awake!

Finally Shuichi looked down and could see that he had reached safety. Thank goodness, he sent up a prayer of thanks, as he dropped to the floor. He almost fell into his seat once more, rubbing his strained shoulder. It wasn't bad, no worse than he might have done being too energetic on stage. Why was it that everything always had to be such an ordeal! He couldn't even go to the bathroom without it seeming like a impossible full-scale assault on some castle!

He let out a soft sigh. His life was just so tiring sometimes, so painful. Everything sometimes did seem like an ordeal, a constant battle to be fought and won. The only problem was he didn't always feel that he had won.

He shifted to get more comfortable, pulling a cushion up higher behind his back. It was still raining outside, coming down even harder now, the drops striking the window with such force he could feel each small impact against his cheek where it rested against the glass.

His life overall was good. The band was going great, their songs and albums continuing to sell well, and their concerts were always sold out well in advance. Career-wise, he couldn't be happier. Okay, it was still hard work, and he would still get writer's block and not be able to write lyrics at times, but it always worked out in the end. So it was all good.

He was also very lucky to have the best of friends like Hiro and Suguru. Hiro had always been there for him, he couldn't imagine a time when he wouldn't be. The one time Hiro had tried to quit, once Bad Luck was up and going, had torn him apart. It really had made him realize just how meaningless everything else was if he couldn't share it with his best friend who had been so instrumental (no pun intended) in getting them there. No, Hiro would always be there. There was no Bad Luck without him.

Suguru had been a different matter. Shuichi cast a quick glance at his other slumbering band-mate. He had been so jealous of the teenager when he had first joined, so incensed that anyone was trying to interfere with his dream that he hadn't wanted to even give Suguru a chance. It had taken Yuki's calm, blunt words to make him sit up and think more clearly about it. That and Hiro telling him to do the same. If the two people who meant the most to him in this world were telling him to stop being an idiot, then even he would eventually take notice. And Suguru was good, no two ways about it. He was damn good and Shuichi privately thought that he was close to outstripping even his mentor, Tohma Seguchi. That wasn't even sour grapes talking. For as much as he didn't particularly 'like' Tohma Seguchi, he still admired and respected the man, especially for his role in Nittle Grasper. So he could listen to Tohma playing and compare it to Suguru, and over the past year that gap had closed considerably.

So, work-wise, he had accepted Suguru and Bad Luck truly began to shine. On a more personal footing, that had taken a little more time and it wasn't due to Shuichi's stubbornness either. It had come from Suguru himself. The keyboardist was such a serious young man, intense and controlled. Shuichi had found his attitude a little daunting and off-putting, but gradually Suguru had begun to open up. It had mainly been due to Hiro, of course. Hiro was considered 'normal' amongst their little group. All the rest of them had so many quirks to their personalities that when most people met them they froze in terror at the antics that ensued, or just ran away screaming. The only other person that was likely to beat them for quirkiness would have to be Ryuichi Sakuma. And that's because no-one could be like Ryuichi!

So Hiro had been the first person to accept Suguru for his talent in the band, and the first one to begin to make the boy relax around them all. Once Suguru was able to accept that Shuichi was just the way he was and everything that went with it, he had seemed to begin to finally open up and let more of his inner self show. Shuichi had to admit that one of Suguru's best traits was his loyalty. Once he decided to give it, nothing would break that promise. Shuichi really liked that about him. Now, he could call Suguru a friend. They didn't always get along still, but even after an argument they could sit down and talk or have a drink together and the harsh words would be forgotten.

Shuichi snuggled into his seat, wrapping his arms around him. He was so lucky to have friends like them both. Even K and Sakano had become friends over this time. You couldn't work this long and closely with people without making some decision as to whether they were friends or not. Both men genuinely did care for him, he knew that. Although K had a somewhat 'unusual' way of showing it at times! Dodging bullets wasn't exactly a past-time that he enjoyed!

So where work and friends were concerned everything was going fine. He had no issues with his family, who supported him wholeheartedly even if his sister drove him made with demands for autographs for her friends and other such things. Everything was fine, except….

He pressed his face back against the chilled glass, feeling tears pick at his eyes. Everything was fine except the one thing he really wanted to be with all his heart. A tear trickled down his cheek. His relationship with Yuki still hurt him. No matter how much he tried to not let it get him down, he couldn't help it. The slightest word from Yuki could cut him to the bone, reveal all his insecurities, raise all his self-doubts to the surface. One cold look could pierce his heart like a dagger and freeze him where he stood.

He turned his face further towards the glass, not seeing his own weeping reflection. He so wanted Yuki to love him as he loved the other. He was happy just being with Yuki, he knew that he wasn't the sort of person who put on great shows of affection, certainly not in public, but just….something would be nice now and again. Shuichi had thought that perhaps Yuki would be more open towards him, even in public, after the way he had behaved when announcing their relationship on national TV. The way he had draped his arm around Shuichi's shoulders, holding him tightly against his side - that gesture had filled his heart with joy so strong he had been frozen in place. He really wanted Yuki to do more of that. Just those simple touches; a hug, holding hands, a soft caress, such small, simple things that filled Shuichi's heart when ever they occurred.

He gulped back a sob. Only they rarely occurred. Generally, those types of touches were only because Yuki wanted sex, and there was less gentleness and more demand in them. It's not that Shuichi didn't like the sex. He did, he wanted to be with Yuki in that way just as much as anything else, but…

He sniffed, feeling his face flushed hot as it pressed against the glass. He wanted Yuki to want him not for just sex, but want him to just be with him. Did Yuki really want him there? He had hoped that they had put Kitazawa's ghost to rest and that Yuki realised that Shuichi was his own person, and not some kind of rival or competition for Kitazawa's place in Yuki's memories. He had thought they had managed to get through those times together and found a place for each other. But he still had his doubts. He still wondered if the place Yuki had decided that Shuichi fit was just for sexual gratification.

He sniffled again, the tears falling faster, trying to muffle the sobs so as not to disturb anyone else on the bus.

Was that all he was to Yuki? Just something to have around so it was convenient to him when he wanted sex? Did Yuki see him as anything more? Did Yuki really want anything more? Shuichi wanted this to be forever. He wanted it with all his heart and had from the start, but did Yuki? Could Yuki walk away from this?

Shuichi almost choked on the snort of derision he couldn't hold back. Of course he could! He felt the anger inside even through the pain. Hadn't Yuki done just that over and over again! He had walked away from Shuichi, left him behind without a word, without anything, countless times! There was nothing to stop him from doing it again and again, when ever he wanted to. He had shown that he could leave him so easily, without a single thought.

Shuichi clamped his lips together tightly, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to hold the seething emotions inside. If he let them out now, he would start to howl in anguish and he didn't know if he could stop.

Oh, Yuki! He wailed in his mind, crying over and over again, trying to reach out with his thoughts to the man he loved more than life. Do you love me? Why don't you love me? Why can't you love me!

The tears were hot on his face, drying quickly and he could feel the skin stiffening from the salt left behind. He let out a shaky breathe, opening his eyes again, tears still clinging to his long lashes. His head felt stuffy, his throat swollen, but nothing hurt as much as his heart. Every beat felt like a drum beat of doom, every beat signified how much he loved Yuki, and every beat signalled the blows of defeat received.

Yuki seemed like a castle he pictured in his mind; a high, impregnable castle that he had laid siege to. He had tried to charge it, to breach its thick walls. He had tried sapping, he had tried ramming, nothing had seemed to work. The walls were still there. Just as high, just as thick, just as deaf to his words, his pleas, his vows of love. Nothing he had done had put a single chink in those stones. Once he had thought they had, he had thought he had seen the drawbridge lowering to allow him entry, but it had been nothing but an illusion and had slammed shut once more in his face, leaving him standing defeated and at the mercy of the elements. The Castle Yuki still stood, and Shuichi was beginning to think he had no choice but to take his army and retreat, and finally admit it was a lost cause.

He reached up and scrubbed a hand across his face, brushing away all traces of his tears. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his swirling emotions. He was just tired. Tired and feeling lonely, and desperately wanting to see Yuki and hold him, and yet fearing he would be rejected once more.

He leant back in his seat, and laid a hand flat on his chest. He felt the gentle tapping of his heartbeat under his fingers lightly resting there. His heart was still there, it was still beating. It hadn't been ripped out completely.

Not yet.


	4. And Leave Me Here to Bleed

**Title: Is It Enough?**

**Author:** JadeHeart Gravitation   
**Warnings:** angst  
**Author's Notes:** Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. I'm so pleased that people are enjoying these little snap-shots of thought from Yuki and Shuichi. I quite often borrow images from both the manga and the anime as to what best seems to fit the story.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'. Chapter title from the Avil Lavigne song, 'Anything But Ordinary'

Chapter 4: And Leave Me Here to Bleed

Yuki strode through the terminal, his long legs outdistancing most of the other passengers as they exited. Soon - soon he would be home.

His fingers twitched again, feeling the urge to have a cigarette. In a moment, he promised himself, standing close to the carousel to collect his bag. He pushed his hands into his trouser pockets, not realizing what a striking figure he made and completely oblivious to the admiring glances cast his way from both women, and men.

The harsh lighting in the terminal buildings hurt his eyes, but he felt he'd look damn foolish to wear his sunglasses when it was actually the middle of the night. He twitched his shoulders, feeling the tight muscles complain. He was looking forward to having a long hot bath when he arrived home. He could almost feel it now; the warmth soaking into his aching limbs, easing them, relaxing him. He could get Shuichi to scrub his back. His young partner had very dexterous fingers, strong and firm, but flexible from his years of playing his synthesizer. Yuki would never admit that a massage from Shuichi could turn him into a quivering heap of jelly with delight and his mind usually to mush to match. He would usually have to feign falling asleep to resist the temptation to snuggle into the youth's body and purr. He would never live it down if he did that!

Where were the damn bags! He frowned darkly as the carousel remained still and silent. Damn it, how long did it take them to do their jobs! His stomach grumbled and he grimaced. He wasn't actually hungry but his overly-abused stomach was reminding him that it didn't cope particularly well with just alcohol swirling around inside.

He spotted a vending machine nearby and strode across to it. Slipping some money in the slot he pulled out a coffee. A burst of caffeine would do him good. He cracked the can and took a drink, delighted to feel the warmth slide down his throat. He shivered a little as the caffeine entered his system quickly on his empty stomach and he felt the familiar buzz. Ahh, he sighed to himself, taking another swallow. Yes, that felt much better. He leant back against the wall to finish his drink, out of the way of the other milling passengers.

He squinted up at the lights glaring down. Damn lights! To hell with it, he thought taking out his sunglasses and slipping them on. Too bad if others thought he was strange to be wearing them at night. The lights really did hurt his eyes!

He felt his fingers wrap around his phone again and pulled it out. Automatically he called up the stored messages and began scrolling through them, one by one. They were all from Shuichi. Any he had received from other people had been deleted immediately after being dealt with, more often than not simply after reading them. Only Shuichi's did he keep.

There were a lot of them. He shook his head slightly as he continued to read. How Shuichi managed to find the time to text to him was a surprise in itself. Personally, Yuki hated modern technology, his only concession to it was his beloved laptop. He rarely bothered with texting by phone, no matter how often Shuichi had tried to coax him into doing so, saying it was a wonderful way they could keep in touch when they were apart. Yuki had just informed in that he could send the texts but don't expect replies. Shuichi had taken him at his word and would bombard him with messages when ever he was away. Yuki's only concession was the odd one word reply – mainly yes, no, maybe, perhaps, or the more common ones were idiot, moron or brat! If the messages went to two words it was usually 'shut up'!

Yuki's aversion to modern technology even went so far as to refusing to leave messages on any phone, unless it was an extreme emergency. He refused to waste his valuable time in talking to an inanimate object. If the person wasn't there to take his call then they could wait until he was good and ready to speak to them, and they could call him! So no matter how many messages Shuichi would leave, if Yuki called back and the youth didn't answer Yuki wouldn't leave a message.

He continued to scroll down the messages. It was like a travel log of Shuichi's tour, every day was explained out to him, comments about the trip, the concert, the other people with him, he told Yuki all about it. Yuki snorted. With all this the brat won't have anything new to tell him when he gets home! He reached the end and shoved the phone back into his pocket. It had only been today that there had been no messages. Probably because Shuichi was on his way home so there wasn't any point in sending a text.

Yuki dropped his now empty can into the nearest bin. The carousel still remained unmoving. Gods, what a pain! He hated this waiting around. It was such a drag. Though he should be used to it by now after all the touring he had done, but he didn't remember it being so boring the first time he traveled. Arriving in New York all those years ago, he didn't remember finding it boring at all.

His thoughts turned inwards. New York, what a place. Even now he didn't know if he liked the place or hated it. It had once been his haven, then his Hell. Now what was it?

When he had returned to that city later in search of his missing past, it had seemed the place was determined to send him spiraling towards insanity, stripping everything from him. He had thought he had come to terms with his past but his fleeting memories that had been surfacing were proving to be more detrimental than beneficial. That was why he had gone back there. He had to know, to try and learn from the past. He had to stop running away and hiding from that time. It was the least he could do for everything that Shuichi had gone through for him.

He hunched his shoulders, feeling a cold shiver run down his spine. Even now, after everything that had happened, that time still haunted him. Would he ever escape it? Was it right that he should escape it? He had done a terrible thing that day. He knew that Shuichi, and Tohma, both kept telling him that terrible things had been done to him so it all balanced out. But the difference was that he was alive….and Kitazawa was dead.

Could anything justify him taking the life of those men? It wasn't as though his life had been in danger. They hadn't wanted to kill him, at least to his knowledge. They just wanted to use his body. So was it right for him to have killed them? Surely that wasn't right, no matter what anybody said.

He shoulders shook a little as he felt his stomach cramp. Damn it, he thought as he brought a hand up to cover his mouth. Not now, not here! He tried to get his feelings under control He wouldn't break down! He wouldn't! Not any more!

He took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm himself. It was in the past, it was finished with. So why did it still make him want to throw up whenever he thought about it?

He squeezed his eyes shut, thankful that the sunglasses hid them from view. The events of that night were still vague in places. The main things that occurred he could remember clearly now. He remembered those but other points he couldn't, and Tohma refused to tell him, even after all these years. He had tried asking Mika once, thinking her husband would have told her, but she had simply shrugged and denied all knowledge, saying that when she had asked Tohma had stated it was over with and not a topic to be raised again. Mika knew then that it was pointless her trying to continue to push for an answer. She knew her husband well enough to know when he would divulge nothing more. So Yuki knew that he would probably never know the whole truth either.

But in some ways that wasn't what was important anyway. It wasn't the aftermath that was important, it had been the actual events leading up to that point. The feelings that he had experienced, so many emotions that he had never dealt with in his sixteen years of living at that time. Feelings of betrayal, of real terror, of complete confusion. Feelings of wanting to die.

His stomach cramped again and he almost doubled over. Oh, shit! He turned and quickly made his way across the floor to the restroom nearby. Shoving through the doors he was relieved to see that he alone. He leant over the basin, breathing raggedly as his stomach continued to pain him. He gritted his teeth. I. Will. Not. Be. Sick, he growled to himself, gripping the porcelain hard. I. Will. Not!

Slowly the cramps eased a little, leaving him feeling shaky and exhausted. He ran some water into the basin and splashed his face, the contrast of the cold water against his flushed skin sending a shiver through him. He looked at himself in the mirror. Damn him, though who he was really cursing he wasn't completely certain. Himself, or Kitazawa? Or….

Was he cursing Shuichi? He watched a drop of water fall from his fringe. Did he blame Shuichi for being responsible for dragging all those memories to the surface? Did he blame him for being so persistent in wanting to know about his past and what he was really like that Yuki had had no choice but to remember it all so he could tell him? Did he blame Shuichi for loving him, even after learning the truth that he was a murderer, so he had felt obligated to truly remember everything about that time? It was for Shuichi that he had gone in search of those missing moments, despite how much it had torn him apart.

The last time he had returned to New York he didn't know anymore who he was or why he was there, his mind had been in such turmoil. Had he wanted to lay the ghosts to rest, or to die and join them as he felt that he should have? He remembered sitting on the dirty floor in that long-forgotten apartment; the broken pieces of other people's lives scattered through the rooms in the form of the empty bottles, dilapidated couches, splintered wood and torn carpet. He had looked at that damage and yet seen instead the room as once he had known it. Clean, tidy; Kitazawa had always been a neat person. Yuki had never even seen a bottle of alcohol there yet that day there had been, and more than one. Kitazawa had turned from being his mentor, his friend, his one and only love, to a terrifying demon who tormented him. And for that he had died.

He remembered sitting in that broken down apartment, gun in hand, remembering, experiencing all those emotions once more; the terror, the fear, the horror at his actions, and the aching emptiness that had filled his heart as that one small sound from long ago had stolen everything away from him.

He remembered the blood from that day. Sitting there in the dark, he swore he could still see it, pooling across the floor. A hand, the flesh white in stark contrast to the dark red that surrounded it. He could see it, he could smell it, filling his senses and making him almost gag.

He remembered how he had wanted to die as well. He had watched the blood spread further, creeping slowly away from the vessels that had contained it, crawling insidiously closer and closer to him as though hungrily reaching out to devour him also. He had watched it draw closer as he knelt there weeping silently, shaking, staring at the person he had loved with all his heart, seeing those dull open eyes looking back. No warmth, no laughter, touched those orbs, they were empty. Like his heart. And like the bodies before him, his heart had bled, although completely unseen. It had bled until there was nothing left. Until he was completely empty, in both heart and soul.

Yuki straightened up, brushing his wet hair back from his forehead, his gaze steady. He was still alive, still living. He hadn't died that night, or at any other subsequent time. Whether he should have or not, was a moot point now. He still lived, and his life had eventually taken a strange turn. He still lived, and there was someone who insisted that he go on living. Suddenly it seemed that his heart wasn't so empty any more. Slowly it seemed that he could once more feel the warmth of his blood flowing through his veins and filling his heart. Shuichi had threatened to die if Yuki left him, swore to follow him no matter what and no matter where, to always be there for him. He refused to accept that Yuki should be anywhere else but with him, even in death. Yuki snorted, as he straightened his shirt collar and jacket. That idiot!

He exited the restroom to see the carousel turning. Finally! He crossed the intervening distance and reached it just as his own bag came into view. He clasped the handles and walked away. It would be good to get home, and Shuichi would be home soon.


	5. Is It Enough to Die?

**Title: Is It Enough?**

**Author:** JadeHeart  
**Fandom:** Gravitation  
**Warnings:** angst  
**Author's Notes:** Thank you for the kind words from my reviewers. Hope you continue to enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'. Chapter title from the Avil Lavigne song, 'Anything But Ordinary'

Chapter 5: Is It Enough To Die?

The silence felt like it was smothering him. Shuichi wasn't really used to silence. In fact, too much of it bothered him. Silence seemed so….empty, devoid of anything. So he wasn't too fond of silence. When he was awake there was inevitably a substantial amount of noise, generally from him more than anyone else. The only time he was dead silent was if he were asleep. Even then, Yuki claimed grumpily, that he often talked in his sleep!

The rain had ceased falling now, although the street lights still showed the dark world outside gleaming with the sheen of moisture that covered everything. Pressing his face against the window and peering forwards as they rounded a bend he could see the lights of Tokyo creating a glow in the sky that looked like a dome-shaped force-field from some sci-fi movie. It wouldn't be long before they reached it now.

Everyone on the bus was still slumbering in peace and the silence continued to settle over them all. He yawned widely, rubbing at his sore eyes, feeling the beginnings of a headache. He sighed tiredly. He really wished he could have got some sleep like the others but it had eluded him the entire trip. Whilst touring he was always on a 'high' most of the time, which was beneficial for injecting loads of energy into the concerts and putting on spectacular displays for the adoring fans, but he generally also found it hard to come down from those giddy heights. As Hiro had once said, he seemed to run on adrenalin for the entire tour, no matter how long it was, and then would crash for a week or so after as his body tried to cope with the 'downer' that naturally had to follow. It wasn't just his body that had to recuperate from this experience, but also his mind. He always found that his emotions seemed to be overly sensitive during this recuperative phase, as though they too had been stretched to breaking point as he poured everything he had into his music; physically, mentally and emotionally.

Right now, his subconscious knew that the tour was over and was slowly releasing its hold on his weary body. Whilst he was on a 'high' he slept very little, his energy levels so great that he could keep going on just a few hours sleep and still look fresh and sound great. He always paid for it later as after it was all over he would often sleep for days straight. He supposed he would have to sleep on the couch when he got back home, Yuki probably wouldn't like him staying in bed the whole time. Though he mightn't like him sleeping on the couch permanently either as he would be in the way if he wanted to watch TV. Perhaps he should just go home to his parents for a while until he was back to normal? That way he wouldn't be a bother to Yuki.

Shuichi shifted in his seat. It really wasn't the most comfortable and he was quite amazed that the rest had managed to be able to sleep at all. Their regular tour bus, the one kitted out with proper beds so they were able to get a decent rest when on the road, had broken down at their last stop and rather than wait for it to be repaired they had all agreed to simply swap with one of the small support buses so they could all head home. So that had resulted in them all crammed into their current mode of transport. Thank goodness it at least had a bathroom!

Everybody was looking forward to getting back to Tokyo and their normal lives. Touring was great but it was also extremely tiring, and Shuichi knew that Hiro missed Ayaka even though they talked almost every night. He felt a pang of envy. Hiro and Ayaka were always talking, telling each other what was happening every day they were apart. He would often hear Hiro laughing during their conversations. He always looked so happy, both during and after the conversations. Shuichi wished that he felt like that also. He pulled out his phone and looked at it, calling up the stored messages, scrolling through them. Every 'idiot' or 'moron' that he read made him feel worse. He quickly turned it off and pushed it back into his pocket.

He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, resting his chin on his kneecaps. Just what would Yuki be like when he got back? He couldn't tell from the messages he had received from him. One word responses to his lengthy texts didn't tell him anything about how Yuki was really feeling. Why couldn't Yuki at least try and have a conversation with him? Hasn't he missed him at all whilst he's been away? What did he have to do to make the man notice him?

He had tried everything he could think of during their relationship to make Yuki really see him. He had chased him, given in to him and agreed to have sex, he had dressed as a girl, he had let himself been abused both physically and mentally by others, he had traveled half way round the world to another country to find him. What else could he do? Was nothing he did good enough for Yuki? Was that it? Was there some sort of ideal that Yuki expected of him that he just couldn't achieve no matter how hard he tried?

He felt a tear trickle down his face but made no move to brush it aside. He knew he was a crybaby. Well, who wouldn't be when you didn't even know if your 'lover' actually loved you! He wasn't stupid. Okay, he was bit hyperactive. He could almost hear Yuki's snort of derision at that statement. All right, he was very hyperactive he amended churlishly to that imagined voice in his mind. But was that really a bad thing?

He knew not to bother Yuki too much when he was busy writing and trying to make deadlines. He tried his best to keep the noise down to a bare minimum or stayed at the studio late so as not to be a distraction. He would even try and do as much of the housework as he could without getting yelled out. He didn't attempt to cook as that usually did result in a bombardment of abuse from Yuki as he tried to push through the smoke with the fire extinguisher, but apart from those odd disasters he really did try to make certain that he didn't get in the way of Yuki's work.

He knew Yuki's likes and dislikes, and wherever possible, would try and buy a special something for him, especially to satisfy the man's sweet tooth, just to do something nice for him during those hectic times. He would make certain to wear headphones when he was playing his music or video games, and he never invited Hiro over for a drinking session. He did everything he could to not be a nuisance and to show Yuki in all those little ways that he understood what he was like and what he needed, but none of it seemed to work.

He hugged his knees tighter. He knew that at the start it hadn't been easy – for either of them. Yuki had just as hard a time of it in some ways as he had. He had ended up in hospital and Shuichi knew it was his fault in a way. He shuddered at the memory, almost being able to smell the astringent aroma of bleach. He hated hospitals – more now than ever!

He remembered what it had felt like when he had found out that Yuki was in hospital. How his heart had seemed to just stop in his chest and he could no longer breathe. He had been terrified as he had rushed to see him, terrified that he was going to lose him. That had been a horrible, horrible time. Then, on top of the fear of losing him to illness, he had thought he was going to lose him anyway. That he was going to leave him, go away and leave him all alone. He had tried to be brave, tried to be unselfish and gracious and let the man he loved go, to think of his health and what was best for him. But he couldn't!

He had stood there and gazed down at Yuki's sleeping form, the man's pale face far whiter than he had ever seen it before. His heart had clenched as he had realized he really was sick. This wasn't a dream, it wasn't pretend, it wasn't just some little thing like a common cold. Yuki was really sick. His heart had ached so much for the pain that he realized his lover must have been going through. He had wanted so much to be able to take that pain away and make it better for him so Yuki would never have to suffer again.

Yet at the same time, watching Yuki, seeing him there like that, the thought of him leaving and going away broke him in two. He couldn't let him go, he just couldn't! He had told Yuki that, declaring he would die if he left him and he meant it, he really did. It felt like his heart was being ripped to shreds at the mere thought. Yuki had said that he wouldn't leave then and he had been so happy about it, so relieved. He hadn't lost him – not to that damn ulcer, and not to New York. He had thought he had won then….but it hadn't lasted for long.

How many times had Yuki left him? Three? Four? He had lost count. He had always been the one to try and find him, to go and bring him back, convince him that he should come back. The lengths he had gone to, doing things that he would never have thought he would possibly do for anyone else had amazed even him. He had hoped he would never have to dress up like a girl again though. Trying to figure out how to put on lipstick had been a pain! Yet he had done it, done it all for Yuki, and he knew that he would do it all again if he had to. He just knew it. But would Yuki do the same?

When he had gone to America, after being kidnapped by Judy, Yuki had followed him to bring him home. That had been wonderful in a way, although also completely unexpected and surprising. It had confused him the way Yuki had behaved at that time, the things he had said and done. It had been a little scary as well. He had seemed so different from normal, and Shuichi now couldn't help but wonder if Yuki had come simply because the man couldn't stand anyone else taking something away from him that was his, even if he didn't really want it. Was it that Yuki didn't like anyone taking something of his before he had finished with it and discarded it? Was that all it had been? Was that all Shuichi was to him? Yuki still never told him why exactly he had come all that way to get him. What did he actually mean to the man? Even now, when asked about that time, Yuki would just shrug irritably and say 'What's it matter? It's in the past.'. That told Shuichi nothing.

Now, for the past three months he had barely heard from Yuki. The odd text message, which was nothing more than one word, not a single voice message, nothing mentioned about the fight they had had before he had left. Nothing to say Yuki was thinking about him, or missing him, or looking forward to seeing him. It was all so brief and short, and almost eerie in its silence. The more Shuichi thought about it the more nervous he felt about it.

He suddenly sat bolt upright as though shocked. Was Yuki sick again, he wondered, frowning. Is that why his messages were so short? Was he in hospital? Had he stopped taking his medication? What if it wasn't even him sending those messages? Terror flooded through him. What if Yuki was dead and it was someone else pretending to be him sending those responses so he didn't find out? What if it was Tohma covering up for Yuki's death, or Tatsuha, or….

Shuichi gripped his hair with both hands and tugged on it hard, hard enough to cause pain. Stop it, stop it, STOP IT! He commanded his racing thoughts. Stop being an idiot! This is what Yuki is constantly yelling at you about. You just go right off the deep end at the slightest thing!

He took a deep calming breath. If anything had happened to Yuki he would have been told. Tohma Seguchi may be a lot of things, and most of them scary, but he wasn't downright cruel for no reason. No matter what his thoughts were about Shuichi, if anything had happened to Yuki, Tohma would have told him. Sakano would have been contacted in the least.

Anther deep breath. So nothing was wrong with Yuki. At least not in the medical way. He was fine.

Yet, in some ways, that just made things worse, because there wasn't any reason then for Yuki's coldness over the past three months. He wasn't ill, or in hospital, so why wasn't he talking to him? He never seemed to notice Shuichi except to yell at him over something, or when he wanted sex. What did he have to do get noticed, in a positive way, by the man? Did Yuki even take any notice of anything about him? Did he know his likes and dislikes the way he did Yuki's?

He dropped his chin to his knees again, returning to his previous pose. Yuki remembered everything about Kitazawa. He had told Shuichi so much about his previous tutor, the things he remembered were amazing. It seemed he could speak about every day they had shared together, everything they had done, every conversation they had had during his time in New York, right up until that fateful incident.

Shuichi had thought that it had been a positive sign of Yuki's recovery that he could remember so much now and was no longer hiding from it, no longer burying those memories so deep inside him that they were eating him alive without him realizing it. He had thought it was therapeutic for Yuki to be able to talk about it all, to get it out in the open, and Shuichi had listened to every word, encouraging Yuki to continue to open up and offload it all. He had thought that once Yuki had come to terms with all of his past with Kitazawa that he would then be ready to look towards the future. A future with Shuichi. He had had such hopes for that – but it didn't happen.

When Yuki spoke of Kitazawa, Shuichi would see his whole face light up. His eyes would brighten as he gazed inwardly upon those fond memories of his first love and his features would soften in a way that Shuichi had rarely seen. Yuki almost seemed like a different person when he spoke of that past, of his love. His voice would deepen in tone, lovingly caressing each word he spoke, laying those memories out tenderly one by one.

He began to realize that although Kitazawa was dead and, yes, Yuki was aware of that and didn't seem to be trying to compare him to that ghost any longer, it still seemed that Kitazawa was so much more alive to Yuki than he was. It still seemed that that long dead person still held a greater position in Yuki's heart and mind. Would he ever be able to push that spectre from its elevated perch in his heart? What did he have to do to reach that point?

He sighed as two more tears slipped from the corner of his eyes. He didn't know what else he could do. He had done everything he could. Every day, in every way, he had tried to show Yuki how much he loved him, how much he meant to him. There was nothing left of him anymore, he didn't know what to do any longer.

Was the only way to truly beat Kitazawa was to…die? Could Yuki only love someone who was dead because then there would never be anything to alter those memories, nothing could change once they were gone? The memories would stay the same then, captured for all eternity. Was that what Yuki wanted? A martyr to his love, someone he could then take out and hold up to the light to see them reflected back in all their glory, always the same, never changing. Would the only time he meant anything to Yuki be once he was…gone?

He didn't want to die, despite what he might have said back then in the hospital. He didn't want to die at all because he wanted to live a long and full life with Yuki by his side! Was that so bad, to want to do that? Whenever Yuki had left him it had been hard and nearly torn him apart and it had made him feel like he was going to die, but that was because he wanted so much to live! He wanted to live with Yuki! Yet would Yuki only be happy if he did die?

He buried his face into his knees, pressing his weeping eyes against the harsh denim of his jeans. He didn't want to die! He didn't, he didn't! He wanted to live and be happy and do all the normal things that people do, and he wanted to do them with Yuki! He wanted Yuki to want to do all that with him also! Why couldn't he forget Kitazawa and love him! There was just no way he could compete with a dead person.

He heard the rustle of movement and peered over the top of his arm. Across the aisle Hiro reached his arms upwards in a joint popping stretch, yawning widely and then running his fingers through his long hair, fingers snagging in the knots. He grimaced and gently disentangled his hands and just shook his head instead to try and settle his flowing locks. Suguru also stirred behind and batted irritably at the hand that Hiro reached over to muss his short hair. Hiro just laughed at his pout. Towards the front, Sakano stood and immediately straightened his suit and tie, pushing his ever present glasses up the bridge of his nose, whilst behind him Shuichi could hear further movement and a sound that always made him twitch nervously, that being the click of the hammer of a gun being drawn back. K was obviously awake also. It was then that Shuichi noticed that the interior of the bus was brighter, not due to any change in the lighting inside the vehicle but due to the increasing number of lights outside. Without him noticing they had entered Tokyo and were now driving through the heart of the city.

They were nearly home, it wasn't far away now.

Nor was Yuki.


	6. Somebody Save My Life

**Title: Is It Enough?**

**Author:** JadeHeart  
**Fandom:** Gravitation  
**Warnings:** angst  
**Author's Notes:** Thank you everyone who is following this story. After finishing this chapter I guess my feelings have been that up until now Shuichi has always been trying to hold the relationship together and be positive whilst working hard towards that end. However, after all that work, he is now having all the doubts that he refused to have previously. Yuki, on the other hand, had spent his time trying to avoid the relationship and everything that went with it, yet had now reached the stage of accepting it. The two of them always seem to be working at cross-purposes!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'. Chapter title from the Avil Lavigne song, 'Anything But Ordinary'

Chapter 6: Somebody Save My Life

Yuki settled back in the seat of the taxi, closing his eyes for a moment. He had slipped his sunglasses back into his pocket once he had left the terminal and the darkness was a welcome relief. It shouldn't take long to get home, the traffic wasn't heavy even for a city that never sleeps such as Tokyo. A small weary sigh escaped his lips involuntarily. He just wanted to be home!

Opening his eyes, he gazed into the night, seeing the lights of the passing cars from both directions illuminate the interior of the cab briefly before it dropped back into darkness once more. He reached up a hand and ran it lightly over the glass, removing the faint mist that had formed there from his warm breath striking the window. The lights cut through the night again; bright, then dark.

Tomorrow he intended to take it easy. His new book could wait. He didn't have any pressing deadlines at this stage, though that would inevitably occur later no doubt, but that was later. Tomorrow was going to be just for him, a day of rest, a day to put his feet up and forget about work and wind down from this past hectic two weeks.

He felt his lips twitch into what could have been the beginnings of a smile. He was sure he would have to practically tie and gag Shuichi though if he was going to get any peace! That idiot would probably come home bouncing, all fired up, excited about everything as usual.

His thoughts paused for a moment as he frowned. Though then again, Shuichi usually slept a fair bit when he returned from tour also. After this extensive run he would probably be just as exhausted from being constantly on the road and the late nights that ensued. So he probably wouldn't be his normal hyperactive self.

Perhaps this could work out after all. With both of them tired they could then relax and recuperate. Yuki just hoped that he would recover before his exuberant younger half. Once Shuichi's 'on' switch had been pressed there was no peace for anyone within his vicinity. There were only two stages for Shuichi – on and off, and that applied for all things!

Another twitch of the lips. Hmm, Yuki mused, leaning closer to the window feeling the coolness against his forehead. He hoped Shuichi wouldn't be too tired when he first arrived home though. He'd get really pissed off if the brat decided to fall asleep in the middle of them having sex. He really did want to lose himself in that moment of utmost intimacy, to feel the warmth of another body pressed against his, the touch of small hands gliding over his skin, firm fingers stroking him, lips pressed against his, the tightness as he pushed….

He swallowed hard, pushing those thoughts aside for the moment as he felt his trousers tighten uncomfortably. Later, he was sure he would have the chance later. Now, stuck in a frigging taxi cab, was not the place to be thinking about that!

He managed to control his baser desires and his thoughts returned to their previous tack. Actually, if they were both going to be resting up over the next few days, that would give them plenty of time to be left alone for once. No K barging in with a hail of bullets and dragging Shuichi off, he wouldn't have annoying phone calls or visits from his editor, and Shuichi's band-mates would be spending that time recovering also so wouldn't be bothering them. This might really work. For once they might actually be alone!

That thought warmed his heart, and he shifted in his seat a little, pushing back into the corner. Just think what they could do! They could make love slowly, not having to rush because one or both of them had pressing things to do, or being concerned about being interrupted. It would actually be a bit of a novelty for them to have sex during the day. Usually they were far too busy and it just wasn't convenient, so any form of sexual activity was generally reserved for the evenings. That's if they weren't too tired! He knew that some people thought that the two of them went at it like rabbits all the time, but the truth of the matter was that they both had very busy lives that were quite demanding, not just on their time but also on their energy, so more often than not they would be too exhausted to do much. Many times, no matter how frustrating it was for them both, their love making ended up being quick and hurried, simply to reach the climax as soon as possible so they could then sleep. It was hardly satisfactory for either of them many a time, but that was still better than nothing.

He yearned for his younger partner so much sometimes it would frighten him. He was worried at times that his need for Shuichi would cause him to be too rough in his eagerness. He tried not to be, but he knew that sometimes he wasn't as careful as he should be. He should be thankful that Shuichi seemed to understand at those times and didn't really complain about it, apart from letting him know to take it easier next time. Still, if they could have some time when it didn't have to be like that…

These next few days could be really special, if all went according to plan. He grimaced and couldn't stop the snort that escaped him. Plan? What plan! As they said about the best laid plans of mice and men…. The best way to be was to not actually plan anything, because you could guarantee that it just wouldn't work out that way. Not for the two of them! Sometimes he wondered if they were jinxed. From the time they had first met it had seemed to be one drama after another, one disaster after another. Just how much could happen to two ordinary guys, for fuck's sake!

Well, maybe not that ordinary. Anyone who had ever met Shuichi would never dream of using that word in describing him! Insane would be the general consensus, no doubt. And as for him..…

He stared into the night. Well, even he knew he couldn't exactly be called 'normal'. Could he be expected to be? Normal, that is, after all that he had been through. How many years had he been lost in his past? Seven, eight? How normal was that, to have buried memories that you refused to acknowledge? Oh, he knew that it happened to others. In cases of child abuse it was fairly common in fact.

He saw his breath steam the glass again, each puff creating a sheen of white mist before his lips. Although he had buried those memories, it didn't mean that they had gone away. Even without him realizing they had controlled his every action and thought from that time onwards.

He brushed the moisture from the window again, feeling the coldness against his warm flesh. He had allowed Kitazawa to control his life for so long. Not just back when he was living in New York, but even after Kitazawa had still controlled his life from the grave. He had given that much power to the man because he had loved him; he admired and respected him. Kitazawa had been his whole world back then. And the man had used that power to his full advantage; used and abused him and continued to exert that control even after he was dead. How could a dead man have so much influence over him?

He believed now it was because he had buried his memories, refusing to acknowledge them, refusing to accept them, refusing to face them. A deep rooted fear of confronting and upsetting his teacher and possibly losing that man's love, stemmed from his sixteen year old self. That fear of confrontation, that fear of fighting with his mentor, had crippled him as he grew older. So he had done the only thing he could think of - he hid. He buried all those memories as deep as he could and refused to see them.

Until Shuichi had forced him to realize that to have a future, you have to lay your past to rest. He hadn't truly realized just how far in the past he had still dwelt. He had thought he had moved on. Wasn't he a different person to what he had been back then at sixteen? Wasn't that change enough to show he had grown beyond those times? Obviously not. Definitely not. In fact, it had been the most disastrous thing he could probably have done to himself.

He ran his hand through his hair and tugged at a lock on the back of his neck. Shuichi had made him face all that. It was he that had made him face the fact that it wasn't Kitazawa controlling him still, but that he was allowing Kitazawa to control him. He was giving that ghost the power over him even after all these years. Ghosts have no power unless the living give it to them. It was his memories and fears that were constantly feeding that spectre and keeping it alive and present.

He cringed a little and shrugged his shoulders in his jacket. He came to that realization when Shuichi had forced him to see that he was seeing Kitazawa even in him. That had been like a jolt to the heart and he had to face the fact that that was exactly what he had been doing. He had been trying to recreate Kitazawa in Shuichi, trying to give his lost love life and breath in the body of his new lover. It was Shuichi who saw that and realized what was going on, but it wasn't until that was thrown back in his face that Yuki could see it for himself. And the thought had made him feel ill.

He knew that he still harboured feelings for Kitazawa. You don't forget your first love, no matter how it turns out in the long run. Those initial feelings that you have the first time you find someone truly 'special' to you, beyond friendship, could never be lost, taken away or replaced. So he would always 'love' Kitazawa in a way, despite what occurred. That was when he realized that it actually wasn't his 'love' that he was trying to re-create. He was trying to find absolution for his actions back then. He was trying to recreate Kitazawa in Shuichi so he could try and make up for the fact that he had killed the man. That is what he was actually trying to do. And the thought that the ghost of Kitazawa still had so much power over him to the point of trying to take over Shuichi was suddenly terrifying. Because even though he wanted to try and make it up to Kitazawa, he also didn't want to lose Shuichi.

When he had first met Shuichi he hadn't intended to tell him anything of his past. He had thought the dalliance would be short-lived, that was after he accepted that there was going to be a dalliance at all. Then he had thought he could shock the youth with his confession, that it would send him fleeing, seeking to escape this dangerous man that he had mistakenly become involved with. Instead Shuichi had declared that he didn't care, and that he still loved Yuki no matter what.

He hadn't understood why Shuichi said he could still love him after he had told him the truth. He didn't think that the youth had truly understood what he had been telling him, that the brat had thought it was just some strange story, a rather grim fairytale, but that it couldn't possibly be real.

But that hadn't been the case. Shuichi had understood, understood enough to follow him, to come to him when he been sitting there in New York with a gun in his hand and agonizing about the past and the horrors it contained, lost in the events of that one day. Even now, to this very day, he didn't know if he would have put the gun against his head and pulled the trigger just to stop the constant noise in his head and the ache in his heart.

Yet Shuichi had come to him there. Come to him, wrapped his arms around him, kissed him and told him that he loved him and he would never leave him. And ever since that day the youth continued to say that – I love you. Those words, those three words that were infinitesimally small in the immense volume of words that existed in the world. Yet those three words held such weight, meant so much more than any other words could. They were his world.

From that day, he had begun to build his future upon those words. He laid his past to rest. He exorcised Kitazawa's spirit and sent it on its way with his blessings and a prayer for forgiveness, and he no longer clung to it because he had no way of knowing if that forgiveness had been granted or not.

Slowly, he put it all aside and focused on his current lover. He watched carefully everything Shuichi did, how he behaved, what he said, tried to understand him. Yuki acknowledge that he wasn't the most observant person when it came to other people's feelings, but he was trying. He didn't like fighting with Shuichi, it made him feel sick in his stomach, but sometimes he couldn't seem to stop the words from falling from his lips, and when he saw the tears well up in his lover's eyes it just made his heart hurt more. Unfortunately, when he was hurting or feeling upset, those emotions generally came out as anger. He had been trying hard to change that but it wasn't easy to change a pattern of a lifetime. He thanked all the gods for sending him a partner who was as understanding as Shuichi, someone who accepted him the way he was and stayed with him even though he knew he could be a complete bastard at times. Yuki snorted softly again. Although there were times that the brat deserved it!

Yuki glanced down at his watch, and checked the scenery outside. Another couple of blocks and he would be home. Finally!

Since meeting Shuichi he had changed. It might have only been by a little, but he had changed. The people closest to him had noticed; Tohma, Mika, Tatsuha. Hell, even Mizuki, his editor, had commented on it! He would have to be careful or he would ruin his reputation! But he couldn't help but change. Shuichi made him want to change, to be a better person. Not for himself or anyone else, but for Shuichi alone.

Did Shuichi even know how much he had done for Yuki, how much it meant to him? He had been so completely lost, slowing dieing, more emotionally than physically, although the ulcer that had been eating away at his guts might have been a different matter. He had saved him from his past, from his memories and helped him finally purge that guilt. He had convinced him that it was okay for him to still be alive and okay for him to feel again. Shuichi had probably saved his life that day in New York, taking the gun from his hands. The youth had saved him from all that, given him a reason again for living and not just being alive.

He hadn't thought he would ever have that again, and the thought that it could be ripped away from him was terrifying. It would make him wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. When Shuichi was away he didn't sleep well with so many worries and fears surrounding him. He wanted to have the youth near him always. Not necessarily stuck in his back pocket but to know, to really know, that Shuichi wasn't going anywhere, that he wouldn't leave him. To know that he would always be with him. These feelings, this need that he had, was frightening yet at the same time uplifting. He would do anything to fight to keep Shuichi. He would do anything to ensure that the youth stayed with him. He wouldn't give up on their relationship – ever.

The taxi pulled up and Yuki dragged his bag out with him as he exited. He passed the fare over, not worrying about the change then turned to look up at their apartment. The windows were dark, Shuichi can't be home yet.

This time his lips did curve in small smile. It didn't matter. He would be home soon, no doubt. He began to walk towards the door. He was finally home and soon they would be together again.


	7. Anything But Ordinary

**Title: Is It Enough?**

**Author:** JadeHeart  
**Fandom:** Gravitation  
**Warnings:** angst/romance  
**Author's Notes:** Whew – made it! This story has actually reached the end, surprisingly! The CD has also been banished from my car so it can't generate anything else! I'm rather glad this has reached its conclusion before I go away. It's put me in a very good mood! So I will see people when I get back from Japan in a few weeks times! Hope you like how it's finished.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'. Chapter title from the Avil Lavigne song, 'Anything But Ordinary'

Chapter 7: I'd Rather Be Anything But Ordinary, Please

He pushed the door open and walked into the darkness. Reaching out he flicked the light switch on as he toed off his shoes and squinted in the brightness. His bag he dropped lazily next to the couch, not bothering to take it as far as the bedroom to unpack. He shrugged out of his jacket, letting it fall in a crumpled state next to it. That was only going to the laundry basket anyway so what did it matter?

He immediately made a bee-line for the refrigerator. Opening the door he ignored the furry objects pushed to the back that looked like they were breeding and snagged a beer instead. Letting the door fall shut behind him, he walked across to the window, cracking the can open and taking a long swallow. Ah, that felt good! No matter that he didn't mind drinking spirits, deep down he was a beer man through and through.

He took another long, deep swallow, feeling the cool liquid slide down his throat, chilling him a little. He shivered at the feeling but it didn't stop him having another long draught. He looked around the room he was standing in. Everything was the same as when he had left it so obviously Shuichi hadn't been home yet. If he had been there would have been clothes strewn across the couch in the process of being unpacked, the table covered in 'souvenirs' as the youth would call them whilst Yuki declared they were junk and why did they need more of the stuff, the play-station would be out and the TV on. He gazed steadily at the pristine cleanliness he could see at present, trying to imprint it on his mind, for he knew that it wouldn't last long once his partner returned.

He took another deep drink as he looked out the window. It was beginning to rain again, just a soft drizzle unlike the downpour earlier. Looking up, he could see through the bright lights of the city that the cloud cover was breaking up, patches of night sky briefly glimpsed, the odd pinprick of light as a star winked before being hidden once more.

It felt good to be home. He could feel himself beginning to relax, each muscle releasing hidden tension. This was his haven, his safe house. Here was where he could truly be himself, whether that was being nice or being a bastard. His lips twitched with the beginnings of a smirk. He was sure that Shuichi would state he was a bastard all the time!

He glanced at his watch. It was coming close to midnight. No wonder he was tired. It had been a full day, beginning with an early rise to drive to the next location of his book tour due to accommodation being unavailable any closer, the signings and subsequent interview for the local paper which took up most of the rest of the day, driving to the last location for a another appearance in the late afternoon, the final inevitable discussions with Mizuki who had followed him the entire time, before finally being able to load himself onto a plane for the flight home. He found these long days on the run to be more tiring than he remembered once. He snorted to himself as he took another drink. He must be getting old!

He walked across and dropped the empty can into the bin contemplating the idea of grabbing another, desire for alcohol warring with common sense. For once common sense won out surprisingly. He really must be getting old!

He patted his pockets, searching for the familiar bulge which wasn't there. With a sigh of frustration he walked over to his jacket, picking it up and retrieving cigarettes and lighter, before letting the material slither back to its original place. Placing one between his lips he lit the end, inhaling deeply. Oh, how he had needed that! He stood there for a moment with closed eyes, just savouring the feel of the nicotine filling his senses, the soothing sensation of steady inhalation and exhalation. Opening his eyes he once again squinted at the brightness of the light. He grimaced and stalked over to flick the switch off. The room was plunged again into darkness and he let out a mental sigh of relief. Ah, much better. He padded across the room back to the window, admiring the lights he could now see perfectly without the clash of the interior light as they illuminated the darkness beyond.

He stood there smoking. If it was this late Shuichi should be home soon. He heard the rattle of a key in the door.

The cab pulled up and Shuichi wearily stepped out, clutching his small backpack. The rest of his luggage would be dropped off once the other buses from their entourage reached Tokyo. Everything he really needed was in this one bag anyway. The cab sped away quickly as soon as Shuichi had exited, Tohma having already pre-paid the driver so Shuichi didn't have to worry about the fare.

He looked up at the apartment window. It was in darkness. Yuki must be in bed, he thought. He looked at his watch. It was nearly midnight so that wasn't too surprising. Unless Yuki had a deadline to meet he wasn't a complete night owl. He shuffled to the front door, ignoring the soft rain that fell on him, clinging like tiny diamonds to his hair. He hoped he could be quiet enough not to wake the man if he was already asleep. He sighed. Guess he was sleeping on the couch after all. That thought sent a single tear trickling down his face to mingle with the rain. He really had wanted to be able to hold Yuki, even just for a little while.

He opened the door, shivering as the movement dislodged the raindrops to slither coldly down his neck. He should have a hot shower when he got in but he couldn't do that if Yuki was sleeping. He was sure to wake up with the sound of the running water and the last thing he needed just at this point was to be yelled at by Yuki over something so trivial. He didn't think he could take that, and if he broke down over it he would just be yelled at again.

His shoulders slumped as he slowly made his way to their apartment. He looked at the door before him. Perhaps he should just call a cab and go to Hiro's? No, he had mentioned that Ayaka would be waiting for him so he couldn't exactly gate-crash their reunion. Suguru? He grimaced and shook his head. No, that wouldn't work either. He was being dropped off by Tohma for starters and still lived at home so there was every chance that Tohma would still be around. Having to deal with that man right now was not a happy thought. Maybe he should just go home? No, he dismissed that idea just as quickly. It was far too late and he didn't want to disturb his family, nor did he want to deal with the inevitable questions of his late arrival.

Another sigh. That's it then. There just isn't any choice in the matter at all. He slipped the key into the door and pushed it open, the light behind him stretching into the darkness, creeping across the floor.

He entered, closing the door behind him, pausing in the hall to allow his eyes to become adjusted to the darkness. He sniffed. The room smelt…musty. He felt his stomach clench a little. Musty, like it had been closed up for a while. He knew it had been raining off and one for some days now but this smell….he knew this smell. It was horrifyingly familiar and haunted so many of his dreams. It was the smell of an empty apartment.

A movement at the window caught his eye making him start and drop his bag in shock. He froze for a moment in fear, thinking of burglars, of ghosts, of unimagined horrors. The glowing end of a cigarette flared briefly and the bitter tang of tobacco smoke finally reached his nostrils. That, and the subtle scent of Yuki's familiar cologne. He let out a relieved sigh and relaxed a little. It was Yuki. Only Yuki.

"Oh. I…didn't see you there." He toed off his shoes and crossed the room to stand at the window also, at the opposite end to where Yuki leant.

Yuki remained silent, the glow of the cigarette the only indication that he was still there. Shuichi looked around the room, wondering why he was standing here in the dark. The man had probably been working late and was about to turn in. Then his eyes fell upon the bag and jacket by the couch. His breath caught in his throat, choking him. Bag…..the dark….Yuki not saying anything to him. His mind screamed, a long wail of anguish. Yuki was leaving him!

He felt his heart freeze solid before shattering, tiny slivers raining down on his soul, slicing it to ribbons as they fluttered in the storm of despair that was coursing through him. His shoulders slumped and he crossed his arms tightly across his chest.

He was doing it. He was doing it again. He was leaving him! Shuichi shook, the vibrations threatening to shake him apart. That was it. It was finally….over.

Yuki waited until the door opened and then closed behind the person entering before turning. He wasn't worried that it wasn't Shuichi. Tatsuha may have had the key to this place also but he knew better than to arrive unannounced now and had taken care to follow that rule after Yuki had forcefully pounded it into his head one day after he and Shuichi had been interrupted in the middle of their lovemaking. Tatsuha may have got a nice eyeful but he hadn't been seeing much out of one of those eyes after the punch Yuki landed. Tatsuha had managed to be a good boy since that time. Well, as good as that idiot perverted brother of his could be!

Sure enough it was Shuichi who entered. Yuki drew on his cigarette and almost jumped himself as Shuichi's bag hit the floor suddenly.

"Oh. I…didn't see you there." Shuichi had said softly and walked over to join him.

He stood there silently looking at his partner, letting his eyes slowly drink him in. Although they stood in darkness the illumination from the night world outside cast enough light for him to see the youth before him.

He looks tired, Yuki thought, taking another drag on his cigarette. It must have been pretty grueling this trip for him to look this wrung out. He drank in the image of that round face, those large eyes. He noted that the hair was wet, the moisture making it gleam in the muted lighting as though it were polished metal. Shuichi looked like a lost waif, with torn jeans and baggy shirt falling from one shoulder under his skewed coat.

He saw Shuichi's eyes glance across the room and rest on his bag. He's probably wondering what that is about. He watched as the youth crossed his arms across his chest, hugging himself. The idiot is probably cold, Yuki snorted quietly to himself. Trust the moron to get himself caught in the rain! He's a mega-superstar and can't afford a frigging umbrella!

"You should get in a shower soon and don't take forever," he said, "I've had a long day too and want one as well, so don't hog all the water."

"Long…day?" Shuichi sounded hesitant.

Yuki ran his hand through his hair, tugging irritably at the knots. "Yeah. This last book tour has been hell, especially today. Mizuki can go fuck herself if she suggests another itinerary like this one."

"Oh…you've….been away then?"

Yuki took another drag of the cigarette. It was nearly finished. "Yeah."

"Oh. I…see."

Shuichi felt a wave of relief wash over him, soothing his turbulent emotions. Yuki wasn't leaving! He had just come back! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! He prayed to whatever gods were listening. He wasn't leaving him!

"It's good to be home." Yuki said looking out the window, reaching down and stubbing the cigarette out in the ashtray resting on the sill.

Shuichi looked at the man before him, his heart swelling once more with all the feelings of love he had for this one person. Yeah, home. It was home. Even for him, because home was wherever Yuki was. It wasn't a place, a location, a room, or an address. Home was a person; the one and only person that you wanted with you in your life, that you had to have in your life always. No matter how difficult things got, no matter how hard, or awkward, or strange their relationship was, he didn't want to be anywhere else. Yes, he was home, truly home.

Yet, the small dark worm still squirmed in the back of his mind. He wanted to ask something but was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. He didn't want to fight again, not now, not ever, but he couldn't stay completely silent either.

He licked his lips nervously and steeled himself as he spoke up, "I'm…sorry…about before. I…didn't want to…make you mad." Yuki didn't say anything and he went on, "Is….is it always going to be….like this for us?"

He waited for the explosion but Yuki just asked, "Like what?"

He swallowed again, his hands shaking, "Will we…always fight? And….hurt each other?" The last was said in an almost whisper.

Yuki looked at the slumped figure before him. So small, so fragile, yet…he was constantly amazed by how much strength there was in that tiny-seeming body. Even that tiny mind! You wouldn't think there was anything serious or sane happening between this idiot's ears most of the time! However, there was so much more to Shuichi than you realised. There were hidden depths to him that Yuki was slowly discovering and it was that strength that he had leant on for some time now without realising it. If Shuichi hadn't been this strong neither of them would have survived their initial meetings and subsequent relationship. Would they still fight? He knew he didn't want to, but he was still a realist in knowing that they were never going to agree on everything either. There was no 'happy ever after' in real life!

He shrugged a little as he finally answered the question, "I don't know. Probably, but even if we do, does it really matter? We're still together."

Shuichi squeezed his eyes together for moment in pain. "I just want us to be happy. Together."

"Aren't we?"

Shuichi looked up at Yuki, seeing the other man still standing there before him. Were they? Was Yuki really happy being with him?

"I….I don't know." Shuichi whispered in a strained voice. "I don't know anymore." All his insecurities and pain bubbled inside him as he struggled to form them into words. "It seems….that sometimes you just don't see me at all. I…know you don't think that I'm Kitazawa,' He glanced away quickly, afraid he would see Yuki becoming angry from his words. Kitazawa could still be a sensitive topic. "but it seems like I'm nothing more than a…shadow to you. He seems to be more real to you." Shuichi swallowed hard against the tears that threatened to fall.

The silence dragged out and Shuichi felt himself grow cold. He had done it now. Yuki already had a bag packed. He would just turn and pick it up and walk out the door. He had been a fool. He should have kept his mouth shut and just accepted this was the way it was and not said anything. He had just blown it all.

"For there to be a shadow," Yuki's calm voice cut through his thoughts, "There has to be light in the first place. Something has to bring that light in with it. That's what it's been like since the first time we met. A shadow never truly leaves, no matter what. Even when it is the darkest, the shadow will always be there, even if you can't see it. It is just waiting for the light to return."

Shuichi turned his eyes to Yuki, searching his face, hardly believing the words he was hearing.

"If you are that shadow," Yuki continued quietly, "then it means that you are always with me, even if I can't always see you. And when the darkness recedes, I find you still there. My shadow, my light - my only one."

Yuki stretched out his hand across the intervening distance between them. Shuichi looked at it and automatically reached out and laid his hand on top, palm to palm. Hesitantly he closed his slim fingers around the other's larger hand. The touch of the warm flesh on his slightly chilled and damp skin felt like heaven. He so wanted to feel that soft touch all over, touching every part of not just his body, but his heart and soul. He looked up into Yuki's eyes, wishing there was more light so he could gaze deeper into those hazel depths, to know that Yuki really meant those words. Could he believe them? Were they real?

Yuki curled his long fingers around the smaller ones in his. He reached his thumb across the back and rubbed it over the thin metal band nestled on Shuichi's finger, a perfect match to the one circling his own. He didn't regret that decision. It was his promise to Shuichi.

Shuichi watched Yuki's movement and his heart felt like it would burst as Yuki caressed that token of their bond. He remembered how he had felt when Yuki had presented him with the ring. It hadn't exactly been done romantically, but he knew that for Yuki, a man of few gestures and fewer words, that moment meant more than a thousand red roses and a million words of love. A soft smile curled his full lips and his eyes sparkled with all the love that he felt as his heart eased in his chest. He gently squeezed Yuki's hand, trying to let the man know just how much he loved him.

Yuki suddenly pulled him forcefully towards him, so hard and unexpectedly that Shuichi practically fell against the tall firm body before him, but the arms that wrapped around him were warm and gentle.

"Does it matter," Yuki's voice reached him, as he felt the rumble in the chest his cheek was pressed against, and his hair shifted with the warm breath touching it, "that we aren't like everyone else? After all, we are anything but ordinary."

Shuichi snuggled closer into Yuki's embrace, feeling the arms tighten a little more around him, holding him and making him feel safe and secure. "You're right," he said softly, circling Yuki's waist with his own thin arms, the smile never leaving his face. "We're not ordinary. We are our selves, and therefore, we are unique."

The end

2nd Author's Note:

Thanks to all the reviews. This is just a quick note that I wanted to put up to clarify a couple of things for readers.

Firstly, I didn't think this story should end with some dramatic finale or resolution for Yuki and Shuichi. To me it was more about the two of them having some of those deep thoughts we all have at one time or another, and they do resolve some things in themselves, but it's not necessarily going to be everything. Also, it was trying to show how those thoughts can drive people apart due to miscommunication and misinterpretation of words and actions, yet at the same time I had the feeling that both characters were spiraling towards each other at the same time, which is why the view point becomes a little more intertwined in the last chapter as every action and word does bring these two closer together until they are actually 'singing off the same song sheet'. I wanted to show that there was still a long way to go in this relationship, so, yes, the 'pattern' hasn't changed completely of how they react to each other. However from the resulting actions and words it shows that both of them are prepared to travel that road together to finally achieve their happiness, and acknowledging that it wasn't going to be easy for either of them.

Secondly, the issue of the rings I took from the last couple of pages of the manga, Vol 12. The clasped hands of Yuki and Shuichi are figured prominently in a number of panels on these pages and you see a ring on Shuichi's hand, and a matching one on Yuki's. If you look through the previous volumes you don't see these so my interpretation was that Yuki had given Shuichi a token of his love, even if it wasn't said in so many words. However, as the manga doesn't delve into that at all we don't know what words he might have said! In my mind I couldn't see Yuki going completely mushy about the giving of it!

Thirdly, in truth this last chapter could have been written without dialogue, however a big problem between Yuki and Shuichi is their lack of effective verbal communication most of the time! So I wanted to show that they actually could finally get their message across, more so from Yuki's perspective as he opens up that little bit more to Shuichi, and to do that there needed to be dialogue.

Hope that straightens a few things up and makes the story more enjoyable for all!


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